Remarriage is a unique experience and is different in many ways from first-time marriages. But, make no mistake about it, God stands for your remarriage and wants to bless it. Marriage is hard work, and remarriage,—especially when children are involved—can be even more challenging. Building Enduring Love in your remarriage will involve a total commitment to your partner. Below are several ways that will help make that commitment a reality.
1. Put God First
Make your faith in God the cornerstone of your marriage because if your love for God is weak your love for each other will also be weak. Look for ways to encourage each other’s faith. Draw your value and worth from God, not from each other or your children. Remember that God is not just a loving God—HE IS love. There is no true love apart from him and there is no putting past brokenness behind you without Him. When your love for God is healthy your love for your mate will flow from that. Simply put: the past will never be past until you put God first.
2. Fill Your Home With Grace
Allow your home to become a safe place where family members can identify, share, negotiate and blend their needs, concerns, disappointments, and disagreements, without judgments, put-downs or repercussions. Authentic relationships are built as family members feel safe, protected, valued and trusted. Build values in your home that reflect the character of Jesus, who loved powerfully and saw the very best in others.
3. Follow Biblical, Not Sentimental, Priorities
Most remarriages I have dealt with have struggled with this one and although it seems counterproductive it is not. If you and your mate nurture and strengthen each other both of your children will see something they haven’t seen before—A Marriage That Works!! This is something they desperately need. This does three things: First, it prevents the children from manipulating the situation for their own gain. Second, that minimizes the child falling into the “blended family” trap of becoming controlling or narcissistic. Third, they learn that they are part of a community rather than the center of the universe. Children do need self esteem but too much, out of balance, makes the child egocentric. The detrimental effects of this show up in adulthood with a lack of stability, defensiveness toward constructive criticism, and the tendency to see one’s self as a victim.
4. Build the Family Community
Make your relationship a priority. You must work to establish a sense of shared partnership; “we” instead of “me.” Commitment is about sacrifice and dedication; it will get you through the tough times. Commitment is a decision, not a feeling and it is a decision that pays off.
5. Adapt
Adaptability is probably the single most important remarriage life skill. A blended family comes with a new set of challenges and rewards. You must go into remarriage understanding this. A blended family had different rules because of the variety of experiences that are not shared by all. Learning to “go with the flow,” learning when to speak and when to be silent, learning when to press and when to let go—all of these skills, and more, will help you build a brighter future for everyone involved.
6. Be Realistic
Everyone will bring baggage into the relationship. The baggage of mistakes, hurts, broken dreams, etc… You must realize that some burdens are impossible for you to carry. You must give them to Jesus. Sometimes extra fasting and prayer are needed to do this—be willing to do the work, it is worth it. Accept that “family love,” for a blended family takes time and there is no “quick fix” magic potion—again, be willing to do the work and you will receive the rewards.
7. Find a Program that Works and Stick With it
Being the right kind of stepparent is essential for success. This means both you and your spouse will have to develop effective strategies for resolving the parent/child/stepparent triangle that has, at times, devastated some marriages. Don’t isolate yourself from the stepchildren but, at the same time, don’t hover or smother. Include, if possible the ex’s in this process because they will need effective strategies as much as you. One of the best ways to start this process is be involved in service and ministry in your local church and involve the children as much as possible. If they see you authentically passionate about Jesus it may go a long way to helping them find their place in Christ as well.
