Love and lust is not the same thing. Are you experiencing love or is what you are experiencing something else entirely? Both love and lust involve our emotions but the emotions that drive lust are entirely self-centered while the emotions that fuel love, although they include our self, ultimately are centered on another person. It is easy to see that a man’s love for his son is concerned with the son’s well being and success. That is quite different from a man who, while dating one woman, spends a great deal of time texting and flirting with a different woman. In the case of both women, his concern is himself. He is not bothered, at all, by the ethical problem of hurting both of these women, once he is discovered.
So, what is love? Well, the answer to that question is broad. In our language, the things we “love” can range from hamburgers to husbands, from guacamole to girls. The topic of love is wide but in “our quest for enduring love” we want to concern ourselves with the aspect that relates to romance and relationships. This relational aspect of love is admittedly deep, some elements are illusive, perhaps beyond human expression, but please don’t make the mistake of assuming that love is irrational. It is not.
In some ways the English language is simplistic and limited—we use one word to mean a variety of things, many words for the same thing, and certainly every language has these same limitations in different ways. Greek, the source language of the New Testament, is one of the most beautiful, expressive, and historic languages. It uses three different words to communicate different aspects of love: Eros, Philia, and Agape. A better understanding of the culture of these, I believe, will give us deeper insight into the science of love.
From the Greek Eros we get our modern word “erotic,” but our modern word is not an accurate definition of the Greek’s understanding and usage. Many philosophers look to Plato’s Greek dialogue, Symposium, in their effort to understand Eros. Symposium, a discussion between the teachers and students of Socrates, is Plato’s effort to uncover the true role of eros. Plato’s theory is that eros is the desire one has for another person, the attraction to them, because of the inward beauty and goodness that this other person possesses. This is not exclusively sexual attraction although it can be included. It is because of Plato’s treatment of this that we speak of a non sexual relationship as being “platonic.
Eros is not some inexplicable pull (“the heart wants what the heart wants) it is a rational love. It is the desire that one has for another person because they are attracted to that person’s inward beauty. What could be more logical than that? So, if you are attracted to the wrong kind of person, it may be that, subconsciously, you hold the wrong values or possess the wrong philosophy. Change your values and in so doing, you will change the “type” you are attracted to. This is why a passion for Christ is so important. As you become more conformed to Christ your values and philosophy will also be changed, and therefore so will your attractions. Remember everything physical flows from your spiritual life.
Whereas Eros is an emotion of desire philia is more about a deep seated attachment, appreciation, or fondness. This friendship with others extends to family and community relationships. As the Greeks understood it, philia presents itself in loyalty, fidelity, and ethical behavior. Aristotle, in book 8 of the Nicomachean Ethics teaches that the basis for philia is commonality. “Perfect friendship is the friendship of men who are good, and alike in virtue…” This is a relationship of mutual benefit because of mutual tastes, mutual dispositions, equivalent careers, people who admire us as much as we admire them. According to Aristotle this philia love is actually impossible for people who are difficult, argumentative, gossipy, aggressive, or self centered because those attitudes are counter to mutual relationships. Why is this important to know? Some relationships will never endure simply because of personalities who demand to always have their way. There are people who keep their partners on a constant emotional roller-coaster ride and eventually the other partner gets tired of riding. These love relationships lack friendship and they do not breed loyalty.
Enduring love begins with eros but it will not last unless it grows to include philia—friendship. It’s not good enough just to love the sex you must love the person as well. There must be mutual submission, there must be conversation, and there must be “give and take” on both sides. Before you marry that person you need to ask yourself, “Do you like him/her?” “Do you have enjoyable conversations?” “Do you like doing non-romantic things together?” The road of enduring love is paved with desire but it also must be paved with friendship.
Agape refers to the fatherly love of God for man, man’s highest love for God, and in Greek writing it extends to include a brotherly love for all of humanity. I think you can see the spiritual aspect here. The best definition of agape is the great commandment to “love God with all our heart, mind, strength and to love our neighbor as ourselves.” Out of a love for God flows our love for our neighbor. Who is your closest neighbor?—your mate. There is no substitute for God. God is love and in order to have real love, you have to get it from him. It may seem “old school” but if you want your love to endure then you need to be regularly involved in worship. A marriage without a healthy spiritual life is a marriage without a healthy social and sexual life. The road of enduring love is paved with desire and friendship and it leads through the garden of worship. This is the trinity of enduring love: desire, friendship, and God.
